Toddlers and adolescents are at a particular developmental stage where they seek more independence. They may become defiant and lash out when oppressive rules override their need to experiment, expand, or explore. They may test boundaries. It is a normal process. It is critical to respect what your toddler or adolescent is going through and strive to understand the biological, psychological, and social components specific to them.
Educator, author, co-founder of Tinkering School, Brightworks, and inventor for Tinkering Labs, Gever Tully is a proponent of healthy boundary testing activities, many of which may cause panic in adults. However, while you want to support their individuation, you must also recognize when a toddler or adolescent is entering more dangerous territory and needs guidance. For example, when your toddler is determined to take off their floaters and go to the deep end of the pool, or your adolescent is expressing pressure from peers, that might lead to experimentation with drugs, alcohol, and sex.
THE SCIENCE BEHIND THE DEFIANCE
Some of the science behind the developmental stage involves Synaptic Pruning. The name describes the actions in the cerebellum, which reduces or prunes unused or unneeded synapses. Jill Sakai (2020) explains that over 100 billion neurons exist in a newborn’s brain. Bryan Kolb, PhD, and Robbin Gibb, PhD (2011) explain seven stages of brain development, including in layman's terms: “Cell birth,” “cell migration,” “cell differentiation,” “cell maturation,” “formation of synapses,” “cell death and synaptic pruning,” and “formation of myelin” (see Table 1). The synaptic pruning process can begin around age two and still happen until age 20 (Sakai, 2020, para. 12). Casey, B. J., Jones, R. M., Levita, L., Libby, V., Pattwell, S. S., Ruberry, E. J., Soliman, F., & Somerville, L. H. (2010) and neuroscientist, Sarah-Jayne Blakemore have referred to the process specific to adolescents as a stressful “storm” of factors convening at one time creating vulnerability to maladaptive behaviors, addiction, and mental health challenges.
BUILD SKILLS TO SUPPORT HEALTHY COPING AND BEHAVIORS
Reading and researching the biopsychosocial components involved can help you empathize and understand your toddler or teen better. Consider attending Parental Skill-Building groups and supporting your toddler or adolescent in attending Social-Emotional Learning (SEL) groups at school and learning techniques provided in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy sessions. There are many avenues to begin supporting your toddler or adolescent. The most important thing is to listen to them and respect that they are going through an integral developmental process that can be difficult for them, even though, at times, it may feel as if it is harder on you. You are welcome to contact me to help you find the support you need.